[Reflection I/III] Confession

PART I of III: Confession

This is a confession.

High school has been a surreal journey, and last night’s graduation ceremony was the best form of closure that I could have hoped for.

Four years.

Four years of elbowing our ways through the crowds just to get from first period to second, of sitting on the Catwalk and soaking in the sun, of making and losing friends, of crying and laughing over the silliest things. Those days when the sound of a school bell brought us out of our seats like poor imitations of Pavlov's dogs are officially over. Those flash mobs in the atrium and 7 minute Get To Class music playlists are things of the past. Four years have been brought to a conclusion by a simple, modest ceremony called Commencement.

This is where it ends, and where it begins.

It's both exciting and terrifying. It's like running on an asphalt road for ages and then suddenly realizing that you're treading water in the middle of the Pacific. It's that "how in the world did I get here?" kind of feeling.

Despite the discomfort, I welcome these fleeting moments of confusion and uncertainty. They make me happy for what I have, grateful for what I've had, and determined to make the future even brighter.

In honesty, I’m disappointed in my high school self because she left me with a sea of regrets. I was governed by my fears and doubts. Those vices clouded my eyes and prevented me from reaching my true potential.

But now that I’ve returned to high school after being to university, I ask myself – what was I afraid of? Was it the rejection, the judgment, the failure? Because those things never happened, except in the unrealistic scenarios that played out in my own mind.

I’m disappointed because now I see that my fears crippled me. I was so scared of getting hurt, of standing out, of being anything other than ordinary, that, in the end, I was nothing at all. If only I could pry back the hands of the clock and fill those wasted years with positivity and productivity.

But life isn't about dwelling on your mistakes; it’s about taking those failures and using them as stepping-stones to success.

So, Class of 2014, let's not just tread water; let's swim through that ocean with all the vigor and passion we can muster and come through the other side as the champions that we really are. Pounce on opportunity, chase your dreams, and believe in yourself. These phrases are used so often that they have become trite and stale, but we need to see these tidbits of wisdom with fresh eyes.

In retrospect, there were so many opportunities available to me in high school. I stumbled past all those open doors, blinded by fear, and when I finally realized that those doors had been open all along, it was already too late.

In the past, I would tell myself that I couldn't do it, that I didn't deserve it, that I wasn't worth it. This was what I believed. This vicious cycle of falling for the vitriolic words that the monsters in my head hissed at me went on for years. All the failures I feared came true because I believed that they would.

But now, I see that it works both ways. Now, I see that if I fill my head with positivity and love and kindness, then no obstacle will be too great to overcome. I can do it. I deserve it. I am worth it. Even if I am alone in my confidence in and support for myself, I am going to achieve my dreams. That fearful little girl is no more.

This is a confession: I am not afraid.